


The Definition of Haru

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: AU where Haru is canon autistic, M/M, i actually didn't research many things about autism so I'm very sorry if something is inaccurate, i just really wanted to write something like this, makoto thinks about Haru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 13:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3652680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto isn't the someone to put labels on people, but he just can't define what makes Haru so different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Definition of Haru

Makoto never questioned Haru, until now. It was a given that Haru was „odd”, or „strange”, or „different”. It would be a lie if Makoto said that he didn’t find Haru extraordinary because of all these small reasons, but that didn’t mean that he expected Haru to change. Haru was always independant, and unique. He had been diagnosed with autism when he was young, yes, he did have a rather odd way of talking bluntly, and not fitting in the „social norm” and being caught up in his own world, and some things overwhelmed him, yes, but that wasn’t the reason that Makoto separated Haru from everyone else.

For Makoto, autism wasn’t what had defined Haru. Yes, it was a part of him, it was a rather prominent part of him, but it was also a part of him that was for others what defined him as a person. For Makoto, what was the definition of Haru, he had no clue. It wasn’t only the autism, it wasn’t only the „unnatural” parts of his personality, it wasn’t only his strange behavior, or his small rituals, or his fondness with water, no. It was something Makoto couldn’t quite put a finger on, the definiton of this complex person „Haru”. It wouldn’t be a complete lie if Makoto said that he was used to Haru, because no, Haru was not something he could get simply „used to”, because even though in the past fifteen years he had known Haru, and Haru had never changed, and Haru had never once done anything out of the „ordinary” that he created himself.

Makoto contemplated the fact that maybe it was something to do with the sentimentality of knowing someone for so long, and observing Haru in „his natural habitat” for more than a decade... But then again, „the definition of Makoto” was not sentimentality. He was not a reserved person, nor was he eccentric, or shy, or silent... The definiton of himself was not unique, he was not different, he was average. And as much as he hated to call Haru „not average” that was not what he wanted the definiton of Haru to be. That wasn’t the definiton that Haru would want to give for himself. Did he even want a definition? Makoto was sure, that no, Haru would definetely not find that right. Because for Haru what he was used to, and how he lived was pure routine, and not a definition of himself. It was not a definition of what he was, it was not a definition of anything.

As much as Makoto didn’t label people as being anything, he only labeled them as „people”. But Haru was somehow different. It wasn’t the fact that Haru was „different” in a psychological aspect, or his daily routine, or what he ate, and how he behaved. Sure, Haru was a person, he had his own personality, his likes, and dislikes, but Makoto still never knew what made him question why he saw Haru differently than his other friends like Nagisa, Rin, or now, Rei. As he crossed out the sentimental part, and the autism, he never knew what it was that made Haru so special in his eyes. Haru had his own ideal, his own world, his own personality, his own uniqueness as a whole that made him so special, maybe.

But that bothered Makoto, again, if he separated Haru in a way that he was simply different from others. Because that would backtrack to Haru’s autism again, and that’s not what it was about at all. Makoto didn’t want to believe that everything that made Haru different is the fact that he had a different psychological profile. That was not what „the definition of Haru” was supposed to be.

„The definition of Haru” was something that Makoto only recently has started thinking about. Now that Makoto decided to go to Tokyo, and Haru came with him, he had only a faint idea why Haru would do so. It was something Makoto didn’t like thinking about, because that would again, disrupt so many things that he had thought about right now, and that it would be all for nothing. Except, if he asked Haru this directly, but... why would he?

If Makoto thought about it in a factual way, it would look like this: if he had gone to Tokyo, and Haru hadn’t followed him, the only thing that would change from Haru’s perspective, is that Makoto wouldn’t be there. He would still wake up, and go take a bath, fry himself mackerel, and do something for the day that he carefully planned out before. But, then again, if Makoto would be there, he would be the one who told him to get out of the bath, he would be the one who pulled him out of the cold water, he would be the one who told Haru to dress up properly when he was cooking in a swimsuit and an apron, and he would be the one to ask Haru that he should try and eat something else sometimes. Was that really an important part of Haru’s routine, or something? Was that what made him get out of his bath? Was it? Would that really change so drastically that Haru decided to come with him?

But now that they both have been settled in Tokyo for three and a half months now, Haru had a completely different lifestyle. They woke up in their apartment around 8 o’clock, Haru took a shower, got out by himself, cooked some breakfast, and ate with Makoto. Then, they went their seperate ways, Makoto went to University, and Haru went to swim. Haru would be done around one a clock, and Makoto was available around half past one, and they would usually try to eat together at that time in a small ramen restaurant. Then Haru would go back to the apartment, or do grocery shopping, or whatever he needed to do, and Makoto would study with his circle of friends at uni, and would come back around 5 o’clock, and he would do the housework with Haru, study a bit more, watch a movie together, and whatnot. Only on Thursdays, when Makoto finished around half past three, and they couldn’t eat together, but then, Haru went swimming until 7  o’clock, and Makoto was the one who had to do some things at home. That was the day they ate take-out, and that was also the day that Haru was too exhausted to do anything, really, and would go to sleep around 11 o’clock, and not 1 AM like he usually did.

It was so much change, and there were days it was different, and there were days that always changed. Of course, Makoto could tell that Haru wasn’t used to all of it, and that he was tired, and didn’t want to do it anymore. But he still did, he still went further. And that was what Makoto yet again, didn’t understand.

Was he really a big part of Haru’s life? It never seemed that way, because Haru didn’t seem like he depended on Makoto too much, and he did things at his own pace, and he would refuse to go along with any change. It would go to the extent that he got sick, or that he got in trouble with teachers, or something.

For example, at winter, he always had a cold, because as much as Makoto told him to atleast refill the bath with warm water, and atleast put on a shirt during cooking, Haru didn’t do any of that, and he just did what he did always, cook almost nude in his swimsuit and apron. This was like that, and at least 5 times more powerful, and 5 times scarier, and it demanded much more changes rather than the energy of putting on an extra shirt.

There was one time when Makoto clearly remembered. It was the time when Rin went away, and Makoto sensed something about Haru was wavering, and it was winter too. Haru still didn’t change anything he did. Even though Makoto could understand that Haru was different, he was sad, reminiscing, and wavering on memories that he couldn’t relive again, Haru did his best that Makoto didn’t notice anything, and didn’t change anything in what he did, what he ate, and how he bathed. He was in a mental state that even made Makoto uncomfortable, and Makoto wanted to do something for Haru. And he did. He bought bus tickets, told Haru he had a surprise, and he brought Haru to the aquarium several cities away. It didn’t necessarily cheer Haru up, but he would always remember that day.

Haru changed a bit. He was somber. He was silent. And these were things that only Makoto could notice. He took a bit of pride in that. But still, he and Haru sipping hot chocolate silently made him remember, that his words didn’t reach Haru if he started out of the blue. He couldn’t say anything about Rin, he couldn’t say anything about swimming, he couldn’t say anything about noticing that Haru was sad, because he had never seen Haru angry before, and he didn’t want to make him angry, or sad. He just wanted to tell Haru that he cared about him. He just wanted Haru to know that he did this for a reason. And Makoto looked deep into Haru’s eyes, and told him as bluntly, but still as disguised as possible:

„You know I’m here for you, right?”

            Haru didn’t reply. He just looked at Makoto in an almost surprised way, still as blank as ever. He didn’t say anything. He only looked at Makoto, and gave the slightest nod, and looked away as quickly as he could. Makoto just smiled, and went back to sipping his drink.

            That day, when they walked home together, Haru thanked Makoto for everything, and Makoto could barely contain his sudden urge to hug Haru, and tell him that he was so, so worried. But he held himself back, and simply told Haru that he should be the one to thank Haru. At that time, it truly felt like he should be the one to thank Haru.

That was the most Makoto had seen Haru change in such a short time. But after that, everything went back to normal, and Haru quit swimming. That was the only change. And that Haru was able to do all of this in such a short time was what baffled Makoto the most. How was it that Haru didn’t manage all these small changes, but still could handle all the stress of moving, and getting used to a new city?

In the past, Haru didn’t make small changes, and this confuses Makoto so much. Because how was it that he couldn’t make small alterations, but he could easily do this. Makoto didn’t go far enough to read it up on the internet, or something, but... he still found it peculiar. And that little voice in his head that told him that maybe he did it all because Makoto was there, and that he needed Makoto for being able to go on properly is what terrified, comforted, and confused Makoto the most. Because if he wasn’t able to change the smallest thing before, that was not for Makoto that he wanted to change, he didn’t want to change at all. And now that he took the big step, and changed his lifestyle in a new enviroment, there was a possibility that he did that for Makoto.  He did all that, so he could be with Makoto. He did all that, because he couldn’t go on without Makoto.

It was terrifying. The whole idea was terrifying. Not because Makoto felt that Haru intruded his privacy, or that he didn’t like Haru anymore, or that he wanted to get away from Haru, no. It was the fact, that he couldn’t ever imagine that Haru felt so strongly about their relationship. For Makoto, the sentimentality of their relationship, that they’ve known eachother for so long, and that they knew eachother very well was a small thing.

While it was something that was extremely important to him, that wasn’t the foundation of their relationship. It was something natural. He still doesn’t know the foundation of their relationship, but if this idea was true, it was somekind of mutual need for eachother. Makoto never lied to himself, he needed Haru. Because Haru was someone extremely important to him, and he didn’t want to contradict himself by saying that he and Haru were just casually friends and stuck with eachother because there was „no one else” or something like that. If he was completely honest, he would tell Haru that for the last fifteen years, Haru was the most stable thing in his life, ever. Haru was the person that was alway near him, Haru was the person who could always calm him down, Haru was the person that was what made his life something „constant”. And the mere idea that Haru felt something similar, and that he felt this intense enough to change his enviroment, change his lifestyle, and change everything that this vague and superficial „definition of Haru” was to go with Makoto, was something that struck something deep in Makoto, and made him tremble with something that he had never felt for Haru before.

The whole „definition of Haru” was something completely unneccessary then, at that moment. The tables have turned, because then it wasn’t about „the definition of Haru” anymore, because then it felt like the whole statement was incomplete. „The definition of Haru” was not a label that Makoto had wanted to describe what Haru was, it wasn’t what he categorized Haru as, not a friend, not family, not a lover, not an acquantance. „The definition of Haru” at the moment that this becomes clear, then „the definition of Haru” isn’t valid anymore. It’s not a label, a category, or a statement. „The defintition of Haru” become Makoto’s feelings for Haru, at the moment when it’s clear that Haru associates the same feeling of belonging to Makoto that Makoto associates to Haru.

It scares Makoto. Everything that he thought about Haru before, everything that he associated to Haru as a whole, everything that he finds endearing about Haru, everything that he has become used to, and everything, every single thing about Haru that he thought was what made their friendship so special to him becomes a blatant lie.

A friendship isn’t what he would describe as what his relationship with Haru is. Sure, they are friends, but it’s more. It’s so much more. The only true friend he could acknowledge as a friend is Kisumi. Haru isn’t a best friend, Haru isn’t a good friend, Haru is Haru.

And Makoto sits silently, looking at Haru, distracted by his thoughts. He could ask him. Maybe Haru has something to say about something like this. Maybe Haru has a better perspective. He looks at Haru hopefully, and catches his eye.

 „What are you thinking about?” Haru breaks the ice first.

„I... a lot of things.” Makoto looks away, avoiding eye-contact. He has confused himself, and he doesn’t want Haru to notice that he’s been thinking about him for such a long time.

„I’ve been thinking about a few things too, Makoto.” Haru walks over to him, and sits down, looking straight into Makoto’s eyes. „Tell me your thoughts first.”

„Well...” Makoto tries to gather what he has to say. „We’ve known eachother for so long, Haru... and I’ve been wondering, what... what exactly you are to me.”

Haru gives out a slight acknowledging hum, as if to urge Makoto to go further.

„There’s this small thought I have...” Makoto fiddles with the buttons on his shirt. „You know, how everyone puts labels on relationships they have with other people, and all those things...”

„Yeah?”

„I can’t put you in any of those „categories”.” Makoto looks at Haru.

„You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

„But... I’ve been confusing myself, and thinking too much... and then the thought popped up, that I needed to know the „definition of Haru”... as in what I define you to be.” As Makoto had thought before, it was stupid. „Not as a label, or as what I want you to be to me, but as what is what I think of the first when people ask me that what Haru is.”

            Haru hummed again.

„And I thought about how Haru is different from everyone else, and I thought about how you do different things, and how much you hate change, and what made you come with me to Tokyo.” Makoto looks away, and draws a deep breath

„Why do you think I came with you, Makoto?” Haru looks slightly confused, his head tilted, lips pursed slightly.

„Well, I mean... I might be completely wrong, you know...”

„That’s okay. I want to know.”

„I... I thought that maybe you came with me, because I was a bigger part of your life than I thought I was.”

            Haru looks at him even more confused. He remains silent.

 „What is the definition of Haru, then?”

„I.. I’m not sure anymore.” Makoto stares deep into Haru’s eyes. The blue orbs are expressionless, his body language doesn’t show anything. „The first conclusion I came to, was that you were different from everyone else. But that was wrong, because that’s not what makes you like you are for me.”

            Haru nods a bit.

„The second conclusion I came to is... that maybe it’s because I’ve known you for so long. That’s why it’s so hard to define you, and then, the definition of Haru becomes the fact that I’ve known you for so long. But that’s not it... because if it were that, then I would discard the fact that Haru someone really important to me. It wouldn’t mean anything...”

            Haru’s fingers trace the rim of Makoto’s glass filled with juice. His nail hits at a perfect angle, and it produces a sharp, but mellow glassy sound.

„The third.. and final conclusion, is confusing, but... I will try to explain.” Makoto sighs, and looks deep into Haru’s eyes. „So, you know, how you hate changing?”

„I know about that.” Haru makes a face.

„Well... I’ve been thinking, that before, when I asked you to change some things so that you wouldn’t get sick, and that I was always worried. You know, when in winters you got a cold, because the water wasn’t warm, and that you didn’t wear enough clothes for the weather... that.”

„Yeah?”

„I always asked you to do some things, because otherwise, you would get sick, and I was worried. I thought, maybe you didn’t do all that because... because those were things that were for your sake.”

„I didn’t do it, because I didn’t care if I got sick or not.”

„Yeah.” Makoto smiled fondly.

„And?”

„I thought... Maybe you came to Tokyo with me, because... because you wouldn’t have the same life if you stayed. I wouldn’t be there with you.” Makoto feels the embarassement prickling inside him... as he thought, it sounded so narcissistic and dumb... „And I thought, I don’t understand why you didn’t make small changes in your life in order not to be sick, and in retrospect... how is it that you could come with me here, into a completely foreign, and new place, and you didn’t choose to stay in Iwatobi...”

            Haru looks at Makoto expectantly.

„And I thought.. maybe it’s because you don’t want to stay in Iwatobi if I’m not there.” Makoto looked away, and listened, as Haru’s nails tink against his glass.

„Then... Makoto.” Haru’s voice has a sense of urgency, and he lets his fingers drop against the cold wood of the table. „What is the definition of Haru?”

„I realized, that for me, the definition of Haru is what I feel for Haru.” Makoto’s tone doesn’t waver as he utters these words... „And what I feel for you... is hopefully what you feel for me.”

            And right in that moment, everything falls into place. Haru smiles the gentlest, and the happiest smile Makoto has ever seen. Haru doesn’t have any lines and wrinkles indicating that he smiles a lot, like Makoto does, but his eyes gleam in a way, that Makoto has never seen before. The unspoken words are all in his smile.

_„The definition of Makoto is what I feel for Makoto, too.”_

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time in a long long time that I've actually uploaded something. I'm not that good at writing, I just like writing.  
> If something is off about what I wrote about autism, or if I only assigned some general "peculiarities" I am open for critics, and I'm deeply sorry if it offended someone.  
> I just wanted to hint romance? I don't feel like making a direct statement of "and then they kissed".  
> Anyway, I hope you liked this~


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